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Is Your Sex More Strike Out Than Home Run?

Blissful Second Base & Mind-blowing Third Base? Some partners are generous with their pre-game lovin', but others are more wham-bam thank you ma'am... if you get anything at all. But, if you're suffering from painful sex or vaginal atrophy, no foreplay can be downright dangerous, so what are you supposed to do about it?

Talk To Me Baby!

When it comes to what you want in bed, it can be hard to talk to your partner about it. Even when you've been together for many years, changes in our body can leave us a little shaken, and can make it hard for us to bring things up and change whatever has been the norm.

We've spoken about this before, in our Guide to Sex Talk, but when it comes to talking to your partner about your needs, it is beneficial to let your partner know that you might be experiencing some discomfort or pain. After all, our partner is our teammate on this, and when it comes to sexual pleasure, it is something you should both be enjoying, and most likely, they want that too!

Put In Some Prep Work

If you are experiencing discomfort in the early stages, there are some things you can do to help. Firstly, blood flow to the area is important, so self-love can be a really good way to gauge how things are feeling in a controlled environment. Our three top tips for this are:

  1. Enjoy some solo love (with or without toys) to see what is working - or not! - for you.
  2. Consider what might be causing discomfort, i.e., creams, soaps, etc.
  3. Consider using vaginal estrogens (like Silky Peach) to help repair and rejuvenate the tissues.

Lastly, toning your pelvic floor (kegels) and increasing your ability to engage your kegel muscles as well as building arousal can be aided with Ben Wa Balls. These have also been found to help with incontinence and overall bladder health, and well as helping maintain overall vaginal health. You can read more about Ben Wa balls here, but they essentially combine arousal with a kegel workout, so if you are looking to improve vaginal health and up your sex... these are something to consider that have many ways to benefit you!

The above blog links have more info on each, to help you go from Ow! to Ooo!

Elusive Orgasms

It is worth remembering that orgasm does get harder to achieve as we get older, and there are several different reasons for this, which we go into more depth on this blog, but it boils down to the fact that, for many women the combination of declining estrogen causes less sensitivity, as well as increased dryness/pain, and hormonal changes affecting other areas of our lives can reduce libido. The oft' encouraged solution...? More foreplay! Foreplay increases blood flow to the area, which helps with both sensitivity, overall tissue health, and arousal state.

Happy Hands

It can be hard to guide your guy (or gal) into what works for you, because often, it is intuitive. We know that 'that feels good' even if we're not exactly sure what that might exactly be. So, giving directives in the moment can be a great (and easy) way to let your partner know that what they're doing is working, and to do more of it. Alternatively, if you're worried about ahem male ego... then directives like, 'faster/to the left/slower/higher etc.,' can be a good way to avoid the dreaded you're doing that wrong... 🙊 Oops.

External play, focusing on the clitoris or clitoral hood can be a good option for many women - especially if they have vaginal pain or atrophy, as it both reduces internal pain or friction, and can help stimulate both blood flow and natural lubrication. Plus, a study found that 36% of women need external stimulation in order to have an orgasm, and an additional 37% said it was almost always necessary/enhanced sex - so it is a pretty fundamental step for most (73% anyway!) of us.

This is also where toys and solo play can shine; if you don't know what really makes you tick, then how can you express to your partner what will work?

Orgasmic Oral

There are a lot of moving parts (no pun intended) when it comes to oral, so let's start with the basics:

  • Most guys want to get right to the action, but making him wait can often help women build the intensity needed to reach orgasm. Going back to the idea of sensitivity - the decline in sensitivity as we age can mean that 'wham bam thank you ma'am' quickies might not work for us.
  • Many women want to start with a soft touch - especially if they are suffering with pain, or are on the road to healing, so if a partner heads south and starts poking or jabbing, the results don't feel great. Instead, encourage your partner to tease you (and not do any more till you beg!) by kissing your thighs, your lower belly, gently touching or even breathing on you... all things that do more with less.
  • Focus is again on the clitoris for oral sex, but many guys want to combine using their hands - if you are still suffering from pain, this may not be an option for you - if that is the case, be sure to speak up beforehand to let your partner know you are looking for some soft love to drive you crazy, and nothing more. It is also important to note that, unlike for men, women often don't like intense pleasure straight away (there are over 8000 nerve endings in the clitoris), so thinking of hitting different areas (outer labia, thighs etc), and the clitoris ONLY once you are aroused is key.
  • Many guys are using the same ABC's tip that they heard in high school or college; but, many women benefit from lesser known techniques like suction on the clitoris, change in tongue shape or rigidity, light nibbling, or even having your partner hum (yes, it's essentially vibration) when performing oral sex.

But, how do we open the door to oral sex communication? A good way can be to offer to perform oral sex on them, (or a hand job) and ask them for guidance on what feels best, what they want more of, or what feels good on a scale of 1 to 10. Then, switch roles!

Asking your partner what they like to do to you can also be a great way to start this convo and find out what things your partner naturally gravitates towards, and allows you to build on what they already like and even steer them towards new frontiers.

Remember, you and your partner are on the same team, and this is an issue that can be solved with time, communication, and togetherness!

Expert Guidance...?

If you are looking for a comprehensive, but very much explicit NSFW guide, Kenneth Play is a former pornography actor who developed an entire course based around teaching guys how to touch women for their pleasure - he also has a great catalogue of articles focused on various sex acts (including foreplay) that walk you through everything from anatomy to technique! It is very much focused towards teaching men how to please women.

Please be aware, these videos are very graphic (especially the course) but it is a wealth of information for those who might be interested.

If you've got more questions, be sure to let us know!