How Do We Communicate About Intimacy?

As we age, both our mindset and our body changes; that thing that you used to enjoy, might now be pretty painful. Your new idea of romantic intimacy might be less lingerie-ripped-off and more sensuous massage. Even in the most open and stable relationship, it can be hard to discuss this because you are changing the dynamic, which can be scary. Additionally, when we bring up sex, we also are bringing up a lot of things that sex represents, like love, intimacy, connection, and... the dreaded ego.

Whilst it is great to understand the psychology behind why we struggle to talk about topics such as sex, these five practical tips will help you to actually make positive changes to your sex life, allowing you to enjoy that facet of your sexuality for years to come.

Five Sex Talk Tips:

1. If you're in pain or discomfort seek help. If penetration has begun to hurt (or always has), if you are constantly itchy, or feeling stinging or tearing, or if you are experiencing general vaginal discomfort, go to your doctor. Rule out STI's, and if need be, see a specialist. Failing that, advocate for yourself, be it with research or talking to trusted friends. Many women notice changes in vaginal comfort after menopause that can affect their intimacy and overall quality of life.
2. If you are not in pain (or were), and are simply becoming aware of changes to your body, it can be beneficial to enjoy some time exploring your sexuality solo. Vaginal dilators can be a great way to reintroduce penetration at your own pace and rediscover your body. With or without toys, self discovery allows you to discover your pleasure and pain points in a controlled setting that doesn't put the onus of your pleasure on another person.
3. Ask them what they like and if they've been feeling any different. Even if you think you know, opening the conversation with their needs can be a good way to massage egos, and may allow them to open up about concerns. A good way to do this is to broach the topic as, 'I want to show you how much I appreciate you...what can I do for you that will really make you feel good?' This is a simple set-up that removes pressure. Another model can be, "I want us to be able to have a sexually satisfying relationship for decades to come, and I notice that the way my body responds is shifting as I age. Maybe yours has too. Can I share some things I've noticed about my body lately?"
4. What is sexuality and intimacy to you? For most people, sex and intimacy isn't just a good ol' missionary penetrative sex. It encompasses a range of behaviors, activities, and feelings. It is worth exploring not only what we see as being sexual or intimate (baths, doing new things, massages, cuddling), but also what turns us on. Remember, what turns you on isn't necessarily what you want to do - you can be turned on by the thought of, or by watching, an act you don't want to actually do. Discover this for yourself, then talk about it with your partner; it may be that you find things that you both want to try, be it a couples massage or something a little more NSFW. A good template for this is, "I've been thinking a lot about what turns me on recently, I'd love to know what turns you on, then I'll share mine." This gives them time to think about it and lets them know where your mind is.
5. Gameify it. There are a ton of products on the market right now, like dice, cards, and even date-night books. Whilst some of these are a little goofy, they still open up opportunities to discuss likes, dislikes, changes, and more. Sure, maybe you both hate drizzling chocolate over one another, but it can be fun, funny, and can open up new ideas and communication channels figuring that out!
6. Hard conversations rarely go well when someone is tired, stressed, or rushing. Talking about intimacy works best when you intentionally choose a calm moment, maybe on a walk, in the car, or while cooking together. Avoid initiating the conversation during sex unless it's positive feedback ("that feels amazing"), because corrective or vulnerable topics feel much heavier when someone is already exposed.

And Let's Talk About Libido for a Second…

Libido naturally fluctuates with hormones, stress, sleep, and health. Changes in desire don't automatically mean disinterest in a partner. Framing libido as a biological rhythm rather than a personal failing helps partners understand each other with more grace. Even couples who communicate brilliantly about money, parenting, or life goals often get tongue-tied when talking about sex. You're not doing anything wrong - you're simply stepping into a space where vulnerability and ego overlap. Normalizing this makes the conversation easier for both of you. You can even say, "This feels a bit awkward for me, but I want us to be able to talk openly about intimacy." Naming the awkwardness often dissolves it.

A Note on the Science of Comfort

As estrogen naturally shifts with age, many women notice their skin — inside and out — may feel drier or less supple. Estriol is a naturally occurring estrogen — the gentlest of the three — and is associated with keeping intimate skin soft, comfortable, and more supple. Understanding what's happening in your body is the first step to having better conversations with your doctor and your partner about what you need.

Ultimately, the key aspect to talking to your partner is being able to let go of expectations, and let the dialogue flow. Communication relies on listening, honesty, and vulnerability, all of things that can be practiced and developed to ensure that you and your partner are living your best lives (and enjoying your best sex!).