From the moment ancient doctors blamed “wandering wombs” on bad humors and bossy constellations to the Victorian craze for electrified corsets and glow-in-the-dark “cures,” midlife symptoms have been shoved into a tidy story that felt coherent—even when the science wasn’t: astrology mapped the body, nerves explained everything, and anything vaguely “female” got tossed into the same junk drawer labeled “hysteria.” Sprinkle in the power of ritual (placebo is a real soft blanket for hot flashes, mood, and sleep), add a dash of marketing-meets-modernity (hello electro-belts and radium chic), and you’ve got a centuries-long highlight reel of well-meaning weirdness—all of it trying to soothe very real discomfort with the best tools, beliefs, and hype of the day.

👃🌸 The “Wandering Womb” Scent Chase (ancient mediterranean → early modern Europe)

What they did: waft nice smells at the vulva and foul stenches under the nose to “herd” a misbehaving uterus back into place.
Why they thought it worked: popular medical theory said the womb roamed like a small animal; it liked perfume and hated stink, so… olfactory GPS.
Science today: your uterus is not a disney sidekick on walkabout. Symptoms chalked up to “hysteria” were likely neurological, psychiatric, or pelvic issues. Ritual calming may have helped stress—herding did not.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 “absolutely feral.”

🩸🪐 Zodiac-Timed Bloodletting & Leeches (medieval/renaissance europe)

What they did: consult “Zodiac Man” charts to pick lucky lunar times to bleed you for midlife complaints.
Why they thought it worked: humors + astrology = personalized wellness plan, 1400s edition.
Science today: bloodletting won’t fix hot flashes; it will tank iron. The charts are gorgeous museum pieces, though.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 “moon said no.”

🐸🙏 Toad Charms & Votives (medieval Europe)

What they did: carry a dried toad, wear a toadstone, or leave toad-shaped offerings at shrines to draw out “women’s troubles.”
Why they thought it worked: sympathetic magic—let the toad absorb poison/misfortune.
Science today: placebo + social support from pilgrimage culture likely did more than the amphibian. Also, many “toadstones” were fossil fish teeth—surprise!
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥 “ribbit and rip-off.”

⚡️🩷 “Electropathic” corsets & belts (late 1800s–early 1900s)

What they did: battery belts promised to cure “female weakness,” flushes, insomnia, nerves.
Why they thought it worked: electricity = modern vitality; shock your symptoms chic.
Science today: a catalog of quack-tech. Fun in a museum, not on your body.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥 “buzzingly bogus.”

☢️💦 Radium Tonics & Glow-up Creams (1910s–1930s)

What they did: sip Radithor, bathe in “radio-active” waters, dab on radiant beauty creams to rejuvenate… everything.
Why they thought it worked: early 20th-century techno-optimism; “if x-rays are miraculous, a little radiation must be healthful.”
Science today: hard no. Famous poisonings (Eben Byers; “Radium Girls”) ended the fad and strengthened regulation.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 “glow and… go to the ER.”

🧪🍷 Lydia Pinkham’s Vegetable Compound (1870s→)

What they did: a wildly popular patent tonic for “female complaints,” marketed for cramps and menopausal “heat.” Often… spirited.
Why they thought it worked: herbs + alcohol + relentless testimonials.
Science today: cultural icon and savvy marketing; some botanicals may nudge symptoms, but claims outpaced evidence.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥 “tonic with a side of hype.”

👑🐝 Royal Jelly Elixirs (East Asia → global, 20th c.–now)

What they did: ingest bee “queen food” for vitality and menopause relief.
Why they thought it worked: queen-bee symbolism of longevity/fertility + nutrient-dense goo.
Science today: small trials suggest modest symptom relief for some; evidence is limited and quality varies. Watch for allergies.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥 “maybe-ish, not magic.”

🌿💚 Shatavari, “she who has a hundred husbands” (Ayurveda, India)

What they did: Asparagus racemosus as a rasāyana to nourish fluids, soothe heat, aid sleep/mood/libido.
Why they thought it worked: classic rejuvenative for female health in ayurveda.
Science today: early randomized data shows signal for symptom improvements vs placebo; still early days and standardization matters.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥 “promising, needs more receipts.”

🦌🧫 Placenta Powders & Extracts (TCM/kampo & modern supplements)

What they did: dried animal (or human) placenta to “restore essence,” pitched today for menopause balance.
Why they thought it worked: placenta = concentrated life-stuff in traditional theory.
Science today: historical use is real; modern menopause claims outpace rigorous data. Quality, sourcing, and safety are the big questions.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥 “iffy and ick-adjacent.”

🐴💊 PRE-MAR-IN (Pregnant-Mare-Urine Estrogens) (1940s→present)

What they did: extract conjugated estrogens from pregnant mares’ urine—approve as HRT.
Why they thought it worked: because it actually is estrogen.
Science today: effective for vasomotor symptoms and GSM when used appropriately; sourcing is the “batty” (and pretty damn cruel) part. Alternatives now include bioidentical estradiol.
Quackery Index: 🔥 “weird source, real pharmacology.”

🐀⚗️ Weasel-Testicle Pessaries (15th-c. recipe, England)

What they did: burn weasel testes with “mouse-ear” herb; form pills; insert vaginally to “restore fertility.”
Why they thought it worked: transfer animal vitality; sympathetic magic meets DIY pharmacy.
Science today: no plausible mechanism for peri/menopause; A+ for medieval commitment to the bit.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥🔥 “absolutely nuts.”

🔥🌫️ Uterine Fumigation (ancient Egypt → hippocratic texts → 17th-c. Europe)

What they did: smoke/steam aromatic resins from below while sniffing rancid odors from above to reposition/soothe the womb.
Why they thought it worked: the womb, like a second nose, could be coaxed by smell; merchants brought exotic aromatics that amped the trend.
Science today: no uterus-herding required. Steam may relax muscles; the theory was the issue.
Quackery Index: 🔥🔥🔥 “spa day with drama.”

Ok, but… What Actually Helps?

Estrogen replacement: Practitioners often use estrogen to resolve hot flashes and genitourinary symptoms of menopause; this may or may not be bioidentical – bioidentical is most effectively utilized by the body. Topical estrogen is ideal as oral estrogen can create harmful metabolites. Progesterone replacement: not enough practitioners understand that progesterone is vital for more than protecting the uterus; bioidentical progesterone is the way to go, use it topically for systemic availability.

Non hormonal options: Sadly, too often SSRIs/SNRIs, gabapentin, and other medications are used for vasomotor symptoms practitioners don’t understand. It is the lack of hormones most often at the root of issues and don’t understand the value and excellent safety profile of bioidentical hormone replacement.

Helpful botanicals: There are a range of botanicals that can help alleviate the symptoms associated with imbalance and insufficient hormones – a trained herbalist or naturopath can be a great resource here.

Lifestyle levers: Cooling strategies (layers, fans, cool room), consistent sleep window, mindfulness techniques, resistance training for body composition & mood, limiting alcohol, caffeine and sugar intake.

Pelvic & Sexual Health: Bioidentical estriol and DHEA can be helpful as can a range of pelvic floor exercises to support blood flow and muscle health. Sometimes relationship counselling to help couples communicate about the changes associated with menopause can make a difference to reducing pain and resolve issues with arousal.

“Would not recommend” scorecard :

Wandering-womb scent herding: ❌ 0/5;
Zodiac bloodletting:❌ 0/5;
Toad talismans: ❌ 0/5;
Electropathic corsets: ❌ 0/5;
Radium anything: 🚫 nuclear nope;
Lydia Pinkham: 🤷 2/5 for vibes, not data;
Royal jelly: 🤔 2.5/5 with caveats;
Shatavari: 🙂 3/5 early promise;
Placenta powders: 😬 1/5 evidence + sourcing issues;
HRT: ✅ used appropriately, 4–5/5 for classic symptoms.